The Backpacking Princess

While we were on our backpacking trip, Megan having a hard time keeping up. So I told her, if she could keep up with me, I would tell her a story. I started it, and for the rest of the trip we made up more of it. Unfortunately, we can’t remember the whole story, but here is what we do remember.

The Backpacking Princess

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One upon a time a little princess was born. Her mommy and daddy named her the wrong thing! They named her Louretta. One day her fairy Godmother came over and said, “What’s with her name? She should have been named The Backpacking Princess.”

One day when she was about five, her carriage broke down on her way to her grandparent’s house. She needed to get out and walk for two miles in the woods to get help from Little Red Riding Hood. She found she enjoyed hiking so much that she wanted to do it all the time. And so her mommy and daddy took her backpacking lots. Everyone remembered what her fairy Godmother had said and soon no one called her “Louretta” anymore.

Then she was sixteen she went backpacking by herself one day and came across a huge, mean Dragon. It said, “Yummy a Princess! She can cook her backpacking meals for me and when they are gone, I can eat her!”

So he took her to his cave and made her cook all her food, the rice breakfasts, the jerky lunches, the yummy dehydrated chili dinners and even the Upside Down cake. She was not very happy with him. When she ran out of food the dragon giggled and flew off to get wood for a princess roast fire.

The backpacking princess cried because she wanted to see her mommy and daddy again. Then she made plans. It was winter and there were lots of big icicles in the mouth of the cave. She tiptoed to one and broke it off. She waited for the dragon.

He came and she sprang, stabbing him in the chest. The ice melted and the dragon fell dead and so the Backpacking princess got back home.

One day, years later, she was hiking in the mountains and a great big, ugly, ogre grabbed her.  “Ho ho ho!” He said. “A princess! She will make a nice dessert.” (Roast princess is a delicacy among monsters) He took her to a cave and locked her in a cage. He started a fire and got ready to roast her.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Prince Forest Ranger was walking when he smelled smoke. Now because it was so dry there he decided to check it out. He found it coming from a cave in the side of a mountain. He walked in to tell the camper to put it out but it was an ogre who would not.

“Put it out or I will.”

The ogre hit him over the head with a huge branch. But the prince was wearing a hat made for just that occasion. “It’s not nice to hit people on the head.”

The Ogre hit him again so the prince kicked him in the shins. “Stop that!”

The ogre fell into a trapdoor in his cave and fell down the mountain.  Prince Forest Ranger ran over to the cage The Backpacking Princess was in and asked if she was ok.

“Yes. Can you get me out?”

The prince attempted to unlock it with his knife but it did not work. “I already tried, it looks easier on TV.”

“I am going to get my brother, He is a locksmith.”

“Is he really? What’s his name?”

“Shh.” The Prince ordered as he walked to the end of the cave with his radio. “This is Prince Forest Ranger, I need my brother, Prince Locksmith. I am halfway up Beech Mount, in a cave. A ogre has a princess locked in a cage.”

“Rodger, Rodger will bring him in helicopter.”

“Thank you.”

The two sat and talked as the waited and found they had a lot in common. The helicopter landed and the princess was freed. The backpacking Princess and Prince Forest Ranger got married and lived happily ever after, right?

No, not quite, you see while they were hiking during their honeymoon, the prince heard a snarl in the rocks in front of them. The Princess screamed and the prince felt claws digging into his back. He spun and fell, looking up into the hard green eyes of a giant mountain lion. He struggled but could not escape. He heard a clanging. And a scream.

“Get off of my husband!”

The lion looked up and got the Backpacking Princess’ lightweight cooking pot in his face. He rolled over to claw at her which allowed the prince to draw his bushcraft sword and chop the creature’s head off.

Then they continued on their trip and lived happily ever after.

The moral of this story is, when you are hiking in Faerie Land, always bring at least one cast iron pot.